First of Spring

It's the first of spring.  For most people, that reminds them of life---the earth is reawakening after the winter.

Life.

For me, it reminds me of death.  Jacob's.

He died on the first day of spring six years ago today.  It seems mind boggling to believe he's not been here for six years!  I wouldn't have thought it possible once to live--and not just survive, but experience life head on with anticipation and joy--without him.  But, I feel that's what I am doing.  The only explanation is that God has carried me when I've been too weak and has had me in His hand...like the childhood song, He's got the whole world in His hands....I feel that way.  I have had enough time to know God is sovereign and has a plan.  I don't have to always approve of it and certainly don't always understand it, but I have been able to see and experience some of the blessings from His plan for my life-after-Jacob. I can make a list a mile long of all the blessings I have today...my cup runneth over!!!

That doesn't take away the pain of not having Jacob.  I have learned that I can be incredibly grateful and incredibly sad at the same time--God understands.  There have been times that I felt it was wrong to feel this way--like I was ungrateful to feel sad and disloyal to feel happy...let me tell you, that's a tough way to feel....sorta like, "damned if you do, damned if you don't."  Through more grief work (I have been in another group this winter), I have been able to sort through some of the "excess baggage of my mind" and feel like I am the healthiest emotionally that I've been in six years.  It hasn't been easy...lots of prayers, meditations, conversations, reflections, reading, crying, apologizing....and, it's not done nor will it ever be.  I am thankful, though, today that I am where I am.  It feels good to be right where God wants me.  In His hand.

In doing "grief work", I have gone through a lot of old things--most recently watched the video of his funeral (and was overwhelmed with gratitude for the people who put together such a beautiful service) and read my journals from our time together...I began journaling when I was in middle school and have kept it up since--though there are times where I do it much more regularly.  Before Jake's death, I was in a good pattern and had been doing a prayer journal...amazing to look back and see how God was working.  I also have read entries of the time soon after his accident, and I am glad I wrote them, because I don't remember much from that period of my life.  It's all been healing--hard, but healing.  I am now at a point where I want God to use this part of my life to bring glory to Himself...I don't know what that means or how that looks, but I feel very willing to serve others who are hurting.  I felt very humbled to begin another grief recovery group so long after my loss (most people in the group have recent losses) but now realize that by being humble, I have allowed God to help me.  Already, I have had a couple of opportunities to talk with others who have lost spouses, and I can't describe how much that has helped me as well...

I may be rambling, so to end....

Jacob, I miss you as much today as I have every other day since you went home to Heaven.  I love you and am so thankful for the precious time we were able to spend together and the memories we made.  As much as I miss you, I am comforted knowing you're with God and that someday we'll meet again.  And, I am ok.  God is good.  My life is good.  I have a husband and three kids that love me, friends and family that support me, and a Savior that died for me.  My cup runneth over.....

"Then maidens will dance and be glad, young men and old as well.  I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow." (Jeremiah 31:13)

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die....a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance." (Ecclesiastes 3:1-2, 4)

Happy Spring.