Just last night...

Just last night, Audra (who is now 9), came to me upset...she was irritated at her 3 year old sister, Whitney, and just "frustrated".  As we discussed her feelings and how God would want her to handle her emotions, she really broke down...I asked what was really wrong.  She cried for a couple of minutes and then said, "I just miss Dad (Jacob).  I wish I could see him."

It's been six years.  I told her I did too....I told her how some times it feels like my heart is being torn in two--even now.  I told her how much like him she is...how much I see of him in her every day...what a special blessing that is for me, and how lucky she is to have a part of him in her.  Cause he was pretty amazing!  And I let her grieve.

Then, we talked about how God has blessed us since He took Jacob home.  She has another dad who has adopted her and loves her very much.   She has a baby brother and little sister who think she hung the moon.  We have SOOO many friends and new family that wouldn't have been a part of our lives had Jacob not had his accident.  Looking at all of those things helps us remember that God has a plan that is much bigger than us.  That God loves us.  That He's never left us.

It doesn't take away the pain of not having Jacob.  But, knowing he's in Heaven with our Creator, I would not ask for it to change now...I love him too much.

From what I have seen, my grief and Audra's has looked and been very different...but moments like last night remind me that, just like mine, hers will continue through her life.  If I could take it away, I would.  But, I can't.  And I must allow her to experience it, because I don't think healing can take place if it's ignored/masked.  I sometimes can't believe I have to have conversations with my little girl like the one we had last night...there was a lot more to it than I've typed...but somehow God has equipped me with just enough faith, just enough strength, and just enough insight to have them.  He is good.

Audra is an amazing, beautiful, wise-for-her-years child.  And, I don't know what I would do without her...she was my lifeline and is just another reminder that God has in all figured out!

Audra and Me--Easter 2012